Sidetail Sensations

Sidetail Rides Again

2007-06-18T00:23:00.001-04:00

The Sidetail rides again! As the last little sidetail ages, I begin to think about my future plans in a career path outside this house. This week, I have set a personal record. I am seriously considering five totally different career paths. Let's see....there's teaching (no surprise there), yoga instructor, doula, chinese medicine, and opening a business on the web. I am contemplating on how I can combine all these interests into one workable, rewarding career. I need to take a moment this week though, and see if there's anything else I need to add to the list. It's the sidetail way...any advice?

Crash Carts

2007-06-17T23:26:00.000-04:00

I have to share another story about the little Sidetails. A couple weeks ago, I took all three sidetails to a doctor's appointment for the littlest. All was going well. They were all in a good mood, I had the snacks, I had the books, and I had a great hope...that we would walk out of the doctors office and our next errand in good social standing.

My optimistic attitude ended abruptly when the middle sidetail (age 2) walked across the reception area to a little boy who was about 1 year old. I thought to myself, "Oh, how cute. My son is so friendly and wants to make friends". I was obviously fooling myself into a relaxed state because with no warning, my friendly little sidetail kicks the little boy in his knees. There was no interaction between each other before that point and then BAM!! Instant crying and embarrassment for me. How do you explain that as a mother?? "Oh! I am really sorry. My son mistook your defenseless little boy for a football. You understand, I'm sure." Talk about random acts of violence.

Well, I gathered up the sidetails as fast as I could and basically ran out of the office. I could hear the poor boys cries and feel the othe mom's glare as I strong-armed everyone out the door. Off to our next stop, a grocery/garden shop that is literally right across the street. I was hoping that angry mom wouldn't follow us for revenge.

We entered the store casually. This was going to be easy, we needed to get some produce and then we could leave. The oldest little Sidetail picked out a watermelon (which was very blah by the way. We'll have to work on that skill.). The second sidetail picked out his favorite, bananas and we were off to the check out. Yes, the check out. Where it always falls apart.

The lines are long and we have to wait. Second sidetail is not happy. He wants out of the cart. What can it hurt? He has been so good at this store up until now. He'll stay right by me. He loves me. We are on the end aisle of check out lanes. The automatic sliding doors are directly ahead of us and the banks of carts are directly to our right about 5-6 feet away. Second Sidetail walks up to the bank of carts and begins to entertain himself by sticking his hands in the carts and moving the seats. Not a big deal, I am almost ready to pay and he's not going anywhere. Well, he didn't go anywhere but he made all the carts (25-50 of them) move into a display. Yes, he managed to in a minute or two push the whole 1,000 pound bank of carts into a diplay of plants that stood a few feet away. Once again, I did not know what to do. I left my cart and the other two sidetails in line as I tried to detangle carts from a large wire display rack without destroying anymore plants. The manager came running over and kindly asked me to leave the mess for her to clean while I paid. She was an angel in disguise.

I think the second sidetail was just loving the commotion he caused but sensed a punishment was in his future because he took off like a shot out the automatic door to the sidewalk outside. I have no time to think. I leave my other sidetails and my cart again to retrieve the little devil. He is standing on the sidewalk holding on to the legs of a kind elderly couple. They are laughing. He is laughing. I am not laughing. I haul him back into the store and trap him in our cart. I try to recollect myself, my produce, and my dignity. The cashier tries to be helpful by saying "at least their cute". Yeah, at least their cute. I left the store for home and wondered if the woman at the doctors office thought the same thing.

Will and Neil all in one....

2007-06-17T23:20:00.000-04:00

It doesn't get much better than this in the life of a Sidetail. Not only do I love Neil Diamond, I love Will Ferrell as a comedian. Here's a link to a SNL video that combines two of my favorite entertainers. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t2C9oMmwl80

Pierce This Please!

2007-06-10T20:07:00.000-04:00

Well, it was bound to happen once again. This Sidetail had an old itch return. For those that know me well, you are familiar with my appearance changes that happen on a whim. Usually, it's my hair color. It's been red, auburn, blonde, dark brown etc. I get bored after a couple months of having the same look and then I have to change it. It's the Sidetail way. The other mode of changing my appearance tends to be more discreet. I like to every now and then indulge in a piercing of some kind. I have had multiple ear piercings and a naval piercing in the past. Since three pregnancies have made me too self conscious to sport a belly ring, I have changed my piercing location to my nose. Yes, this weekend a friend of mine (see her blog: The Diaper Diaries) and I, went out and got our noses pierced. There's nothing like going with a like-minded person to get a piercing. It was so fun! She will forever be engrained in my memories as the other awesome mom I got my nose pierced with. We had to go before our age-window ran out. It rejuvenated us and made us feel "hip" and "cool" again. Even though most days we are exhausted and barely showered moms, we now always have a hint of trendy. If I were younger, I think I would get more piercings but this may be enough for now. Now next year, we'll see about that tattoo...

Here's a pic of my big schnoz (above left) with my new little gem. Can you believe I did something to draw attention to my nose?? Well, if it's going to stick out there off my face, I might as well decorate it like a Christmas tree.

Wow! Time Flies...

2007-06-03T22:46:00.000-04:00

I can't believe how life moves on so quickly and will just pass you by, if you let it. I have not written for a spell and I would like to dish out the usual excuses. However, I will spare you the pain and misery.

As summer begins, I am able to appreciate mothers who have multiple children on a whole new level. Embarking on anything with three little sidetails, proves to be a challenge. It never fails that one always has a pee or poop issue, the other a snot problem and the third a strong affinity for my breasts at all times of the day. And let's not forget the presence of three poor pets that get too little attention from me and too much attention from the little sidetails that love to play tag with them...in the house. The dogs love to show their frustration with me by staring at me from across the yard and not coming into the house right when you have to leave. It's at that moment, I realize that it must be hell for anything that can't talk and has a tantalizing, pullable tail in our house.

Life couldn't get much more exciting or more monotonous in a home with multiple small children. There is never a dull moment but when someone asks you what's been going on or what you did that day, you just can't seem to think of anything worth telling. Who would want to hear about how your oldest sidetail compared his poop that was stuck dangling from his butt to a butterfly chrysalis? Who wants to know that the big excitement of the day was the fact that the baby sidetail held her head up for two whole minutes on her own? When I think of how many butts and noses I wipe during the day along with having to answer the constant nagging of "Mom, come look", I look at each day out of an exhausted head.

Yet for all the life that gets sucked out of you by children, they tend to provide you with new qualities that serve as your payment for being a mother. My creativity has grown leaps and bounds. It has to when you are faced with "why" questions that you can't ever reasonably answer. You learn to find laughter where others wouldn't normally look for it (such as in hanging turds). You learn to be an optimist as demonstrated when your toddler has spots from a nasty virus and instead of laying on the couch feeling miserable, they crawl on all fours pretending to be a leopard.

The lessons and qualities that children add to your life are endless, sometimes I just have to stop seeing the turds and starting seeing the chrysalis.

Sidetail Pictures

2007-04-26T22:04:00.000-04:00

I thought that it may be helpful to those who are new to the sidetail way to have some visual images as to what a sidetail may look like. The drawn pictures included here are pictures of me, the sidetail, as depicted by Bunny in 2002-2003. Note the prominent hair arrangement on both the sidetail and the bunny. The picture of me as an angry pregnant sidetail was created by myself on a particularly bad day during my first sidetail pregnancy. Through it all, Bunny has been there and we have nurtured each other as we searched for our inner sidetails. Usually, every sidetail will travel through life with a bunny. A sidetail although jolly, may move along at a slow pace and is easily distracted. The bunny usually moves through life's activities at a somewhat swifter pace and tends to have a better sex life. The sidetail and the bunny balance each other in their strengths and weaknesses. I strongly suggest that anyone who feels they even slightly resemble a sidetail to find your bunny. You may have more than one bunny, but at least one is necessary.

Long live Bunny! (Sidetail and Bunny)

Quotables

2007-04-26T21:28:00.000-04:00

I often need inspiration as I go through this crazy world, sidetailing around aimlessly at times. One such quote that has constantly inspired me in tough or indecisive moments is the following:

"It is not the critic who counts, nor the man who points out where the strong man stumbled, or where a doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man in the arena whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs, and who comes up short again and again, who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause. The man who at best knows the triumph of high achievement and who at worst, if he fails, fails while daring greatly, so that his place will never be with those cold timid souls who never knew victory or defeat.

--Theodore Roosevelt

So today as I think about how I snapped at the little sidetails or at Mr. Sidetail, I know that I am okay.

Theme Song

2007-04-16T22:10:00.000-04:00

"There are 2 types of people in this world: Those who like Neil Diamond and those who don't" This is one of my favorite quotes from the movie "Saving Silverman". For those of you who don't know, this sidetail LOVES Neil Diamond. I feel sorry for those who do not see his artistic vision and musical genious. So many people are distracted by his animal magnetism to really appreciate his talent. When his music is playing (which is often), you can bet that there is some great sidetailing going on at this house. I grew up with Neil. He speaks to me.

One song that has a special meaning to me (if you take away the sexual overtones and references) is "Forever in Blue Jeans". It's my theme song, the creed I live by. When my sister and I go to his concerts, you can see us standing up, doing our white girl dance in front of the world. Two sidetails, reveling in both the glow of Neils forehead sweat and the shadow of his chest hair. But when "Blue Jeans" starts to play, this sidetail brings the dancing to a whole new level. There is singing and sweeping hand motions. My eyes close and there is peace throughout the land. For "Blue Jeans" is one of the few songs that captures the sidetail philosophy of life from the very first lines.
"Money talks.
But it don't sing and dance and it don't walk.
As long as I can have you here with me.
I'd much rather be...
Forever in blue jeans."

You can't get more eloquent than that. Meaning and happiness in life is not about money. It doesn't sing and dance. It don't even walk! All money is is a green piece of paper that causes all sorts of trouble. Life is about our relationships. Our family, our friends, who will be there with us no matter what. It doesn't matter if you can't afford to wear anything with a brand name or a cashmere blend, a true sidetail buddy will love you in your pair of cheap ass blue jeans. In fact, they will cast off their high class threads and parade around in Dollar General duds, if they get to be with you for the duration.

Don't you see the symbolism?
Blue jeans are tough as nails but they become your most comfortable companion with time. They are a classic that never goes out of style. (I am not taking into account "mom jeans" or 80's stone washed, pegged at the ankle jeans. Those are blue pants that wish they were real jeans. Not to mention ugly.) Even if your mom says you need to get rid of those tattered trashy jeans, you don't. You are loyal to your jeans, forever. Neil, man, you are one deep guy to come up with "Blue Jeans".

So, as time parades on, be sure your friends are closer to your heart than your wallet is.

"I'd like to say, we'll do okay. Forever in blue jeans" ~Neil Diamond

Sidetail Advice: Neil's "Love on the Rocks" is a great way to break up with someone who won't wear their blue jeans with a sidetail. I have found that if you write out all the lyrics for this song and place it in a locale where the intended recipient will easily find it (like their locker or backpack), they will quickly leave the defunct relationship. You will just have to ignore weeks of rude gestures and comments as you pass them in the hall.

Kohl's Adventure

2007-04-08T21:57:00.001-04:00

I know that everyone has embarrassing children stories. I thought I would share one of our latest since having our third.

Since one child was at preschool and I only had 2 little sidetailsin the car with me, I decided to stop in at Kohls to buy some dishes we needed that were on sale. What I didn't have car was our double stroller. "No problem," I thought, "I have the single stroller for the baby and my other sweet little sidetail can walk with me." I didn't know how mistaken I was.

I entered the store with my stroller and tot in tow, and headed for the dishware section. As we started browsing the aisles of reachable, breakable, and brightly colored dishware, the baby started crying. Not just a little cry but an all out, I am hungry and want milk now cry. "No big deal," I said to myself, "This will just take a minute." Again, how mistaken I was.

While I am tending to the screaming infant, my "well behaved" toddler takes off down the aisle of dishware. I try to casually pursue him while pushing a stroller and holding a pacifier in the babies mouth. I know things are getting frantic and out of control when I hear my little angel shouting "pretty" and then see a large mug quickly thrown to the floor. Thank the Lord, this section is carpeted! Of course, by the time I can catch up with him, rooster plates have gone sailing with a gleeful "cocka-doodle-doo" and serving plates have been proudly restacked on the floor and in the next section. I notice a Kohls employee is now following us at a non-threatening distance with a deeply concerned look on her face.

I throw my couple items into the basket under the stroller, grab my toddler under one arm, try to hold the pacifier in the mouth of an infant who is beside herself, and head for the check out. The Kohls employee is still on my tail. I can't shake her at this speed. I turn to the counters where the cashiers stand. My worst nightmare continues. One cashier is manning the checkout and a line of about 6-8 customers. Beads of sweat appear on my forhead. I think, "I can do this. I will not kill or leave my young in this store. I am a calm mom who has everything under control. If I act as if nothing is happening, no one will notice."

There are cool toys near the checkout. The protesting, range free toddler is briefly distracted. I have a moment where I can take the screaming parasite out of my stroller to try and comfort her. For a moment there is silence. Enough time for the elderly lady in front of me to tell me a story about how she drove to Ohio to see her new grandchild. She hadn't talked to her daughter in 5 years but wanted to see her first grandchild. This poor lady begins to choke up as she tells that she arrived only to be able to see her first grandchild from across the room. She never got to hold him because her daughter wouldn't allow it before she was asked to leave. She is in tears, her voice is cracking, my baby begins to cry along, and I start to have sweat rings on my shirt. I try to be sympathetic as I give my tot the evil eye. "Be good. Stay by me." That was what he was supposed to be gathering from the look. The sobbing old lady checks out. I am next in line. The ordeal is almost over. Almost...

I begin to put my items on the counter. Not an easy task as I have a screaming child in my arms and a toddler to watch. I am still trying the "never let them see you sweat" approach. "I'm cool. I'm cool" is my mantra. Until, damn it, my wonderful mobile child starts running. Down the aisle of vacuums I see him go. I swear he is laughing at me now. There are 6 people behind me in line and one annoyed cashier waiting for me to pay. What do I do? What do I do?

I put the screaming, red faced, inconsolable newborn in the stroller, tell the cashier I will be right back and run into the vacuums. My child is suddenly disappears. I start calling his name. "Where are you? Where are you?", I shout nonchalantly. Remember, I am still trying to be the casual cool mom who has got it all together. My sweat rings are now sweat rivers. After a minute of searching, I hear "Here I am!!" in my sweet little innocent childs voice. He had crawled up a shelf, and had hidden behind some vacuum boxes. He must be part monkey. I literally pull him off the shelf by one arm and drag his limp noodle protesting body back to the checkout.

I give my money to the extremely pissed off cashier while once again I try to console a blood thirsty infant, keep a protesting toddler with wanderlust corralled, and still look like I have it all together. The cashier has the nerve (or the stupidity) to ask me if I have a different bill to pay with, she is short on change. I want to say "shove it up your ass and make some change" but say a very controlled "no" instead. I grab my bag, my stroller with the screaming baby, and put my toddler like a football under my arm with the sweaty pits. I am out of there trying to look something like the cool, calm, collected mom that I desparately want to be. As the door closes behind me, I can already hear the people talking and I am pretty sure it wasn't about how cute my kids were.

I do wish to thank the 3 kindly elderly ladies who were in line behind me! They successfully kept my two year old in a small area while I handed over my cash. They called themselves the "mean grandmas" and formed a human fence with their arms and legs. I am not lying.

Many Names, Many Interests

2007-04-06T21:22:00.000-04:00

I am called sidetail, but some call me chaps. In my mind one leads to another. In order to live the sidetail life, one must be inherently curious in many things. This may lead to either changing hobbies, careers, or life paths several times throughout the course of time. Some refer to these changes in life as "chapters". Chaps is short for chapters. I have, in my thirty-something years, opened and closed many chapters in my life. 13 different jobs/careers in 13 years, not including the times where I returned to the same job or life changing moments like marriage, moving, or the arrival of the 3 mini-sidetails. I am sure there will be many more. I have been laughed at in disbelief and laughed with in understanding. My life resume reads something like the following to help you gain some insight on my past experiences:

1993-1997: Attended College. Major: Biology Minor: Chemistry Seriously Contemplated careers in Medicine, Botany, and the Environmental Sciences. Jobs throughout this time included: Pharmacy tech (4yr), Financial Aid Office Assistant (4yr), Waldenbooks (2 months), Church Nursery Supervisor (1 yr) December, graduated and married. Moved to Kalamazoo, MI. 1998: January, Receptionist at local Car Dealership. (1 month). April, Quality Assurance Auditor for preclinical pharmaceutical studies at a contract lab
1999: February: quit contract lab and moved to large pharmaceutical research facility as a biologist (2 yrs) Began certification for teaching during this time.
2001: February: Quit job as Biologist. Continued education classes full-time. Worked as a Pharmacy Tech at a Hospital (4 months) . Began working as a contractor for previous contract lab as an auditor (3-4 months). Moved to Grand Rapids!! Several Substitute teaching jobs in fall.
2002: Student taught and did more substituting in spring. Began teaching high school full time in fall.
2003: January, became pregnant. June-August, worked as office assistant at environmental firm, went back for masters coursework. August, completed masters in education. September, delivered first son. November, returned to teaching full-time.
2004: Sold Jewelry for Silpada doing home sales (8 months) Took leave of absence from teaching (1 year). Obtained certification as Master Gardener. Became pregnant with 2nd mini-sidetail.
2005: Resigned position in teaching to stay home full time. Delivered 2nd son in May. Worked part-time tutoring for learning center (1yr). Did seasonal work for Christmas tree distributor.
2006: April, quit tutoring job. July, surprise! pregnant again. Sept, worked again as office assist. at Environmental firm part-time (7 months). Did seasonal work for Christmas trees.
2007: Gave birth to third mini-sidetail. A girl! .....currently looking for my next project.

Virgin Blog

2007-04-06T09:48:00.000-04:00

This is my first blog. Hopefully, one of many more to keep you updated on the thoughts and tales of a sidetail.

As everybody reading this knows, I now have 3 mini sidetails. They are now 3 1/2, almost 2, and 1 1/2 months. Their stories will also be included here to keep people updated on our adventures and misadventures. My partner in life, Mr. Sidetail, is one hot stud and parts of his story will also be chronicled here (despite his protests).

You have probably figured out that no "real" names are being used here but the characters and stories on this page are real. Their names were changed to protect the innocent and the guilty.

So, read on my friends!